The Fire

Today is Super Bowl Sunday.   Last year on Super Bowl Sunday, we went to a party at the neighbor’s house in Nicaragua.   We didn’t really know anyone, which meant it was out of both of our comfort zones, but even more for Jon, but we went!   We were the newbies in a foreign country and knew we must do things like this to make friends and start to find our place.   It ended up being a really fun night.   We had some good food, great conversation and even shared a special moment at one point during the half time show.   I remember it like it was yesterday.   But it wasn’t yesterday, it was a year ago.   For the past almost 10 months, ever day has been about what was going on a year ago…how the landscape of life can look so vastly different in just one year.   The past few days I have struggled….struggled hard with depression, lack of motivation, sadness, anger and an overall sense of the unfairness of life.   Mind you, this is not me everyday.   Most days I’m sad, but I look for joy

Jon has been gone from this earth for 9 months and 19 days, and yesterday, for the first time in 9 months and 19 days, I did not cry.   It didn’t strike me until this evening.   After lying on the couch all day resting and battling a virus, I needed to run to the store.   As I was walking into the store through the bakery section, I saw a carrot cake, Jon’s favorite.   I stopped for a second and thought about all the times we had carrot cake together.   I pictured one of the restaurants, the shirt he was wearing, the occasion (his birthday) and began to get a little choked up when suddenly I realized that I hadn’t cried at all for almost 2 days.   It’s weird because I don’t walk around in a gray cloud or anything, but every single day there has been, at a bare minimum, a brief thought or a memory that brings the tears.   I had shed tears for my love, for my loss, every single day for 9 months and 17 days and then suddenly it happened, I had a day with no tears. This brings mixed