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| The Road to Playa Majagual |
When Jon and I first traveled to Nicaragua last January, Playa Majagual was the second beach we saw. We had no idea where we were going as we headed off down a bumpy dirt road through the jungle. Eventually the trees thinned and we looked ahead toward an open expanse at one of the most serene beaches I had ever seen. It appeared as though we were the only two people there. How could this beautiful paradise exist and not be running over with tourists and beach goers? We walked along the sand watching the waves - they were HUGE and way too scary for me, but Jon of course couldn't resist! I sat on the shore and watched him play like a kid in the ocean. After awhile we found our way to a little shack on the beach which served cold drinks and yummy food cooked on the grill. It was the perfect day. It was the first time we both said we could see ourselves living here.
The next day, even though there were 7 other beaches to discover, we decided to head back to Majagual. We spent lots of time talking about the dream of living near the ocean and how this just might be the perfect spot. We started exploring the rock formation that skirted the edge of the beach, but I was wearing flip flops which did not work well for the occasion. I decided to sit on the beach and watch the waves while Jon continued exploring. 20 minutes turned into 30 and then 45. The sun was setting quickly and I noticed that I was the only person sitting on the beach. I kept watching the rocks, waiting for Jon to appear, but he did not. As the sky grew darker my thoughts turned to panic. Maybe he had slipped and was hurt, or maybe a big wave had taken him by surprise and he had fallen in on those jagged rocks. My mind was racing, my heart was racing; I was in full panic mode. I took off through the rocks, flip flops slipping, ankles turning this way and that. I fell once, skinned my knee and broke my shoe, but continued on one barefoot. Finally, I rounded a corner and there he was, leaning against a the wall of the cliff, looking out at the ocean. I totally lost it! I was sobbing and yelling at him - how insensitive! Did he not know it was getting dark and I was sitting on the beach by myself? I could have been robbed or kidnapped! Did he not think about how worried I was about him being gone that long? I had no idea what had happened to him and there we were in a foreign country. What would I have done? I mean I really let him have it! I was sooo angry, but truthfully I was just relieved! The sheer terror I had experienced at the thought of losing him was just too much. He recognized my reaction right away for what it was. He knew I was afraid...really afraid and I was just overwhelmed emotionally when I realized that he was ok. In true Jon-like fashion, he began to apologize and comfort me over and over as we walked to the car, all while I continued sobbing, one broken flip flop in hand. (He got blamed for that, too!) . That night we talked about it - how scary it was, the thought of losing him. He held me close, kissed me on the forehead and promised to never do it again. That was a year and a half ago.
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| The sunset I watched while Jon explored the rocks, Jan 19, 2016 |
Today was a hard day. It has been 5 months since my worst nightmare became my reality. In addition to that, McCartney and I are packing up to leave our beautiful Nicaraguan home - the place where our dreams became a reality - for a moment anyway. I needed some time alone, some space to process things, so I ventured off to Playa Majagual for the first time today without Jon. Once again, it was practically deserted, only 2 or 3 other people sitting at the little restaurant while I combed the beach alone. I sat on a rock and watched the tide creep closer. Each wave that touched my toes seemed to bring with it another memory, a vivid picture of Jon jumping in the waves, hollering about how much his brother Terry would have LOVED it, laughing and making jokes about nearly losing his swim trunks when he was completely overturned by one of the waves. I could see his face the time we were playing in the ocean at sunset and heard howler monkeys for the first time. I could feel his hand in mine as we walked along the shore and talked about our dream life. I could feel the oneness. I closed my eyes and simply said, "I miss you." Hot tears began to stream down my face. I remembered the way I had cried that day a year and a half ago and how I could feel the gritty sand on my cheeks as he wiped away my tears. Suddenly the feeling of oneness was overpowered by a sense of one-ness, as in singleness, and aloneness.
As I continued to sit on the sand, I heard this, "He is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I closed my eyes and heard it again, but this time in first person, "I am near to the broken hearted." I can declare this truth with 100% certainty. In my life, I have never before experienced such overwhelming sadness and brokenness. I know what it is to be crushed in spirit, but I have also experienced the comfort of my Savior like never before. I am slowly learning how to drink it in, how to experience a relationship with the Lord as my husband, as my provider, as my steadfast rock. All the parts of me that miss lavishing love on Jon, I am learning to devote to my relationship with Jesus. I'm not going to lie, I'm not very good at it yet. It takes practice, a concerted daily effort, and most of the time I fail. Many times my attention is devoted to what is missing in my life, rather than what (or WHO) has the power to FILL my life. But ever so gradually, I am learning to see that giant gaping hole in my heart as more space available for God's love and power. I pray that as he pours himself into me, as He fills this empty cavern, that one day out of me will flow rivers of living water. Because of His loving kindness, He will not allow this to be wasted. He is constantly working for our good .... "our good" not to be confused with "our happiness." But that is a thought for another day.
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| Playa Majagual, Sept. 11, 2017 |
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| Playa Majagual, Sept. 11, 2017 |
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| My handsome explorer, Jan. 18, 2016 |
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| The view from my rock, Sept. 11, 2017 |
"I pray that from His glorious unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to fully understand. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."
Ephesians 3:16-19
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