Earth-Shattering Love

It’s time to write.  The 6th month anniversary of Jon’s death came and went and I could not write. I tried, I thought about it, but I could not gather my thoughts and so I took that as a sign the Holy Spirit was saying, “not yet.”  I don’t feel the need to write just to hear myself talk (or think).  It is only cathartic for me to write if there is purpose in what I have to say.  I have said from the beginning that the purpose of cataloging my thoughts here is that I/we may SEE what GOD IS DOING, not simply what I am feeling.  What I am feeling is of no consequence unless God is in it.  Believe me, I feel LOTS…all the time.  Still not a day goes by that the tears do not find me, and many that bring screams and wailing cries from my knees.  In all of this, God is faithful.  He is gently instructing me and wooing me and I am learning to depend on my loving, gracious God more than ever….not spiritual platitudes, but actually depending on a deep connected relationship with the Father, where all that matters IS the relationship.  

Years ago, I was chatting with my cousin Doug.  He was sharing a time in his life when he felt like a hypocrite (that could be every day for me!).  He was holding God at arms length because he felt unworthy, as though he needed to “get himself together” before feeling a deep connection with the Lord.  Then he heard the Lord saying, “Doug, just BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.”  As though the Father was saying,”That’s all I want from you…the relationship.  If you will just be in the relationship, I will do the rest.”  I shared this story with Jon when he was going through a similar experience and it really meant a lot to him…those words, “Just be in the relationship.”  I now know exactly why.  Through this tragedy, my spirituality, my faith has been beaten to the core, challenged beyond what I am able to convey, and all the while, my loving Father has said, ”Just be in the relationship.  Just come to me.  I don’t expect you to offer anything….other than your shattered heart.  Let me be there. Let me kiss those tear stained cheeks and hold you while you weep. Let me be the one to whisper safety in your ears as your head hits the pillow.  Lay your head on my shoulder in the morning when you are missing the love of your life.  And eventually, let ME BE the love of your life.  I will fulfill you in ways you never have experienced.  I will offer you comfort and peace like you have never known.  I will hold you tighter, make you feel safer and stronger than ever.  Just come to me.”  Honestly, sometimes I have insisted on wallowing in my tears, just missing my Jon for fear of losing him altogether, attaching the greatest feelings of love, acceptance and connection to Jon.  I’ve more or less told the Lord on occasion that “You can’t replace what I am missing.  I don’t SEE your warm eyes across the table, or HEAR your kind voice when I walk in the door.  I don’t FEEL your arms around me at night or EXPERIENCE your acceptance the same way.”  And God waits patiently…every. single. time.  He waits.  He lets me have my crying, screaming fits, read Jon’s cards and letters, longing just to have him back.  He lets me feel lost and cheated by the few years we had together and the MANY that lie ahead without him.  He lets me feel lonely and fearful about the future and wonder if I’ll ever experience love again…while He waits…lovingly waits for me to open my eyes, lift the veil and see what He is pouring out over me all the while.  He waits for me to see that He is standing there offering His unconditional, steadfast, all-consuming, soul-satisfying love and affection.  He does not condemn me.  He does not chasten me for not having enough faith.  He just loves me….and loves me….and loves me.  And this is by far the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life.  Through this love, He is healing me and working in me in ways I never dreamed.

Today was earth-shattering for me.  I realize that the term “earth-shattering” usually refers to something tragic, but I have come to see it in a different light.  I mean really, if you think about it, the best we can hope for is actually earth-shattering.  Because if we can just demolish our earthly perspective, then maybe we’ll finally be able to see the light of heaven…..sweet, sweet heaven.  So, with that being said, allow me to share this somewhat wordy story.  I had the awesome privilege of leading worship at Community Bible Church in San Antonio, our home church for the past 12 years.  It is my home, and these people are my family, greatly evidenced by the overwhelming love and support we have received from them since Jon’s passing.  One of my greatest joys has been singing with the worship team for the past 9 years.  Knowing that my emotions are constantly teetering on the edge and that worship brings tears that have a life of their own, they were still gracious enough to invite me back to sing with them.  Perhaps it was knowing that worship is where I feel most connected to the Holy Spirit, or demonstrating of their great faith in God, that He would be bigger than the circumstance, they welcomed me onto the stage with open arms.  This weekend I was invited to lead, “Glorify Your Name,” a great, powerful worship song.  It also happens to be the last song I sang before we moved to Nicaragua, so it held another significant emotional “first.”  Saturday night as rehearsal began, I could not sing a word.  I desperately tried to choke back the tears, to think about the music.  I begged God to hush my sobs and take over, but He let me cry instead.  Well, anyone that has known me very long, knows how difficult this is for me.  I am somewhat of a perfectionist and do have some pride after all.  The performer in me was mortified at the thought of cracking, under-pitched notes and weak, shaky skills.  Still I sang…not great, but I sang.  Sunday morning, I felt great and ready to worship.  I had prayed through a near sleepless night and felt strong and unencumbered by emotions.  The song fell at the end of the order of worship, right before Pastor Ed came up to deliver the sermon. As a complete surprise to me, he began to talk about how I had lost my husband to suicide. Let me interject that I had given him explicit permission to share anything he needed to at anytime he felt lead by the Spirit.  He then asked the church if there were others going through extremely painful situations, to which several people raised their hands.  At that point, he called me forward and asked if I would pray for them.  Whaaaaa?????  (Read this next part with absolute terror in your voice) Yes, he asked ME to come and pray for them….as in OUT LOUD….in front of the whole church.  Ok, perhaps you’re not understanding.  I don’t do that!  There is possibly nothing that would terrify me more than being asked to lead a prayer in a large group setting.  I used to feel uncomfortable praying over my 5th grade kids choir class, much less praying about something deeply personal and emotional in front of 3,000+ adults!  But I could not possibly say no at this point, so I stepped forward and prayed.  I have no idea what I said because the Holy Spirit, recognizing my complete helplessness, just took over!  I’m sure I wasn’t great, that I was slow, inarticulate and fumbled around for words, but I prayed OUT LOUD, from my heart, and God used it.  GOD USED IT.  Please hear what I am saying….I am not bragging….not in any way, shape or form.  It's quite the opposite.  What I’m saying is that God had me so far away from my comfort zone that I couldn’t even see it anymore.  I had zero skills on which to rely.  The only thing for me to do was grab onto His hand and let Him go to work.  Once again, God showed His utter faithfulness, His complete ability to deliver far beyond our expectations.  He is really something else!  I mean, I have never been more enamored with my Creator.  His ability to comfort, to protect, to provide, to heal is unmatched.  He is carrying us daily…and we aren’t just squeaking by, barely making it through, but we are experiencing restoration, growth and yes, even victory through His amazing grace!  That’s what I call earth-shattering.  

Make no mistake, I still miss Jon with my whole heart.  I still long for the day we can share eternity, but at the same time, I am being drawn back into the present.  The Lord is calling me back to being an active participant in this life and I find myself anxiously, expectantly hoping for what He is doing here and now.  I want to see God take this tragedy, this excruciating sorrow, this thing the enemy meant for evil, and turn it for our good - but not just for our good, for the good of every hurting soul.  And the best part of all is that I don’t have to let go of Jon to do that.  I take him with me.  The love we shared is eternal, it goes with me every step of the way, and I will hold it in the most sacred space of my heart until I see those warm sparkling eyes and feel that embrace at heaven’s gate.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21