From Desperation to Destiny

God is moving.  This should not come as a surprise to me, but somehow it always does.  He is always moving, going before us, preparing the way, orchestrating events way ahead of time to answer the prayers that we have not yet prayed.  Do you realize that?  He is already working in ways you cannot see to answer the prayers you will pray next week, next month and next year.  His provision, His mercy, His peace, His comfort, His blessing, His favor…. It’s already there.  I am literally sitting here stunned, jaw dropped, eyes wide open, amazed at what the Lord is doing in the midst of unfathomable circumstances.

Of course if it were up to me, I would rather have Jon here, rather not ever walk this road, but somehow I sit here grateful this morning……not that Jon took his own life, not that I am a widow, but that God has been faithful.  He has used the very thing Satan intended to be my demise to make me stronger, to bring me closer to Him.  This time of incredible need has been an opportunity for me to grow in my dependence on Him.  Only suffering draws you toward the unplumbed depths of His goodness and prepares you for the unexplored path to your destiny.   It is easy to say that God is faithful in the good times, but how does that translate to the hurting, to the broken, and the damaged souls who feel unworthy?  You do not know the full extent of God’s faithfulness in seasons of joy and plenty.  God’s promises are put to the test during seasons of trial, struggle, want, grief, and hurt. Until you have had to depend on His promises and His presence to make it through 1 minute, then the next, then the next, your belief and faith in God is not entirely trustworthy to the unbeliever.  Uh oh! I hope I didn’t just step on some toes here!  Let me explain.

To the wife who lost her husband in the Afghanistan, to the child who is tossed from foster home to foster home but never adopted, to the mother of the runaway, to the one who is beaten, the one who feels purposeless, depressed, body-torn, soul-wearied, to the refugee fearing his fate, and the 9 year old girl who is sold into sex slavery - what good is our white picket fence Christianity?  How can we testify that God delivers unless we have experienced it?  How can we preach that God is able, that He seals you with His peace, binds you with His comfort, heals you with HIs mercy, if we ourselves have not experienced it?  Sure, we believe it, but what good are words alone?  Our testimonies are not born in the good times, they are born in the hard times.  The trials of this life are not brought on by the Lord, but He is able to use them to do the miraculous.  I am beginning to see that my suffering has been specifically tailored to God’s calling on my life, to give me first hand knowledge of the desolation of the broken, the destitution of the hurting and the desperation of the lonely.  

Without the loss of my husband, I might never have known the promise of Isaiah 54:5 which says, “The LORD All-Powerful, the Holy God of Israel, rules all the earth. He is your Creator and husband, and he will rescue you.”   Without the moments of intense fear and anxiety, I might never have known the peace of God which truly passes understanding.  (Phil. 4:5)  Without the loss of financial security, I might never have known the faithful provision of God. (Psalm 146:7-9)  Without the destruction of my own heart, I might never have known this new heart that God is creating in me. (Ezekiel 36:26) I hesitate to say this because it seems so counterintuitive, as though I’m grateful my husband died.  No!  Not at all!!  I miss him every moment of every day.  I’d give anything if he were sitting here next to me drinking coffee this morning, if I could feel his strong arms around me, if I could lay my head on his shoulder.  But that very ache that dwells so deep within my body and spirit, is the very place where God has met me.  I’m not grateful Jon is gone.  I’m grateful that what the enemy meant for evil, the Lord is using for my good.

A week ago I was invited to help lead worship for the staff at our church.  It’s a large church, so the staff meeting is held in one of our sanctuaries, actually the same one where we had Jon’s memorial service.  As I started to sing and as the truth of these words flowed from my spirit, tears filled my eyes:

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they’d fall

But you have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle’s won

But you have never failed me yet

Your promise still stands

Great is your faithfulness, faithfulness

I’m still in your hands

This is my confidence

You’ve never failed me yet

(Lyrics from "Do it Again" Elevation Worship)

I was incredibly moved by the faithfulness of God in that moment, and completely unaware of what God was doing as I poured my heart out to Him.  When the song was over and I was putting my microphone down, I heard Pastor Ed say, “Jennifer Massey, can you join me over here for a minute?”  He was standing in the center of the stage and as I walked toward him, my heart began to pound  What is going on?  I was trying to maintain my composure, but my ears were ringing and I was more than slightly terrified as he said, “I think we could benefit from hearing from you this morning, and what the Lord has done in your life this year.  Would it be ok if I just hand you this microphone and you share some things with us?”  My mouth said, “sure,” but inside I was shaking, I looked into my brain and found it literally blank - I mean nothing, zip, nada!  I thought, “I have NOTHING to say.”  I uttered a silent but fervent prayer, “Jesus, PLEASE give me some words right now,”  and with that, the Holy Spirit issued me a giant shove directly onto the path of my destiny.  I mean zero to one hundred, from desperation to destiny.....right there!  I started talking, praying as I spoke that He would fill my mouth with the next sentence and the next.  As I spoke, I could feel my spirit being ripped from my flesh, my identity being recreated.  My flesh kept saying, “You are not a speaker.  You’re going to sound stupid.  Sing? Yes.  Speak?  Not only no, but….” well, you know the rest.  While I’m sifting these thoughts through my head, the Holy Spirit just continued to do His thing, and somehow words kept coming out of my mouth, words of truth, that edified, encouraged and even blessed the listeners.  Trust me when I say this is not bragging.  I now understand the phrase, “boasting in the Lord.”  It means - “that right there, that wasn’t ME.  THAT WAS ALL GOD!  Woohoo!  Way to go, God!”

I don’t recall much of what I said that morning.  It’s pretty much a blur, but I do remember sharing this.  Only a day or two before this event, I was enjoying my quiet time and came across a verse I had never noticed before.  It jumped off the page at me in such a way that I knew I needed to memorize it.  In that moment, God showed me a picture of myself standing on a stage before a room filled with women.  I was speaking.  WHAT?  Yes, SPEAKING!  (Even writing this brings a sense of holy terror.)  You know how I know that image is from God?  Because I would NEVER choose it myself.  It’s like me saying, I’d like to dive naked into a tank full of jellyfish.  Yes…I would want to do both things equally as much.  Actually, I might even prefer the jellyfish.  But it seems this is where God is calling me…..not to the jellyfish, but to writing and speaking.  Anyway, back to the scripture that brought all this on.  

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,

    to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:18-19

The Spirit spoke to me, “This is you.”  Me??  Pretty sure you've got the wrong girl here.  Are you certain?  I wanted to memorize it, so I started writing it out.  Nothing like pen to paper to solidify what you just read.  As I wrote, I kept accidentally writing the word CLAIM instead of PROCLAIM, so it read, “…He has anointed me to CLAIM the good news, …to CLAIM freedom…. and to CLAIM the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Goosebumps!  Ok, God, I see what you did there!  And boom!  A flood of thoughts began to surge through my heart and mind.  You have to CLAIM the truth before you can proclaim it!  I could hardly wait to sit down and write.  It doesn’t matter how much truth is proclaimed over you and around you.  The only truth that makes a difference in your life is the truth you CLAIM, the truth you tattoo on your heart and make your very own.  We live in a world where we are issued proclamations at every turn, told what we should believe, what we should do, what we should buy, what will make us healthier, stronger, happier, more successful.  It’s like we are standing in the center of an arena, with ticker tape confetti falling from the sky.  Each piece of paper is filled with a concept, some truths, some lies.  We cannot possibly assimilate every belief or opinion so we get to choose which ones we pick up and put in our pockets, which ones we meditate on, ruminate in, which ones we regard….which ones we CLAIM. 

Everything in me says, “God can’t use YOU.  You have too many flaws.  Your past is messy.  You are not wise, not a writer, not a speaker.”  You know who else said that?  Moses.  “God, you’ve got the wrong dude.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I stutter.  I’m sure you can find someone better for this job.”  And Gideon, “Um, God, I think you have me confused with someone else.  I have no special skills.  My family is not special and I am the lowest one on the totem pole.”  But God says, “I WILL BE WITH YOU.  I WILL DO THE WORK.  I WILL PUT MY WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH.”  As Pastor Ed said, “He doesn’t call the equipped:  He equips the called.”  

I am choosing TODAY to claim the truth of Galations 2:20 which says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  And II Corinthians 5:17 which says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away.  Behold all things have become new.”   And Ephesians 1:19-20 which says, “I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.”  

So if I am in Christ, and Christ lives in me, and the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me, then my past has no hold on me and ANYTHING is possible.  I mean ANYTHING!  Anyone tapped into that kind of power should feel like a doggone super hero!! Not afraid of holding a little microphone, not afraid of being judged by people, not insecure or fearful of sounding incompetent, but secure and steady in the grace and strength of the Lord Jesus Christ.  With this super power, ANYTHING is possible!  “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phil. 4:13)  And He is “able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine.” (Eph. 3:20) . 

Truth. Truth. Truth.  Proclaimed, claimed and claimed again.

Alright, Lord.  Let's see what you got.