The Fire

You’ve seen the movies.   You know, the one where someone is trapped in a sinking ship or submarine, the water is rising around them and they are frantically trying to find a way out.   There is a look of panic in their eyes as they thrash about hoping for a miracle.   Finding none, the stillness kicks in with the realization that very soon the water will replace the oxygen and the next breath they take will be their last.   What a terrifying, tragic death….being swallowed by the sea.   Surely when they set out on their journey, this scene was not in their mind.   This was not how the story was supposed to end. I imagine Jon’s last six weeks of life to be like those last minutes in the movie scene.   Trapped in a room called depression, frantically searching for a way out, terrified as the water around him was rising.   Doctors, medications, therapy and prayer, so much prayer,   all pounding on the door desperately trying to find a way in and pull him out.   But he was on the insi

90: I am overcome lately by a sense of self-loathing.  My thoughts toward myself are pure disgust….for being so overweight, for letting myself go, for wasting time, for not excelling at anything, and for not “doing better” at this point.  I am overwhelmed by life and a feeling that circumstances will never improve.     As I watched a video of myself worshipping, all I could think of is how embarrassed I am about my appearance, how much I hate myself, how I have packed on so much weight I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  I could not even absorb the impact of the words or music because I was utterly consumed with these self-deprecating thoughts.   I have struggled with this my entire life, whether I weigh 200 pounds or 100 pounds, I’ve never been happy with myself, never thin enough, pretty enough or good enough.  I know, on some level you can relate.  Maybe not with weight, or appearance, but performance, talent, abilities, spirituality, self-discipline, success, etc.  W