A 90 Day Invitation

90:

I am overcome lately by a sense of self-loathing.  My thoughts toward myself are pure disgust….for being so overweight, for letting myself go, for wasting time, for not excelling at anything, and for not “doing better” at this point.  I am overwhelmed by life and a feeling that circumstances will never improve.  As I watched a video of myself worshipping, all I could think of is how embarrassed I am about my appearance, how much I hate myself, how I have packed on so much weight I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  I could not even absorb the impact of the words or music because I was utterly consumed with these self-deprecating thoughts. 

I have struggled with this my entire life, whether I weigh 200 pounds or 100 pounds, I’ve never been happy with myself, never thin enough, pretty enough or good enough.  I know, on some level you can relate.  Maybe not with weight, or appearance, but performance, talent, abilities, spirituality, self-discipline, success, etc.  We can be so hard on ourselves.

This past Sunday we sang a song called, “Who You Say I Am.”  As we were worshipping during one of the 4 services, I started asking God, “But really…..Who am I?  Who DO you say I am?”  Between the services, I found a quiet place to sit down and ask God again, “Who do you say I am?”  No answer.  I sat there a little longer and tried to quiet my mind so that I could hear Him speak…..silence.   I had my pen and paper ready to write what He might reveal.  Nothing.  In disappointment and frustration,  I began to write a list of all the things I hate about myself.  Weird place to start, I know….but I have not really been in a good place lately.  Much of it had to do with Jon, all the doubts I have about the past and fears I have about the future.  “I let him down.  I didn't understand the severity of his depression.  Did Jon regret marrying me?   I was too hard on him.  Did he kill himself because he wanted to leave me?  Am I the reason he is no longer here?  It’s all my fault.  Is this life my punishment?  Is that why things are getting progressively worse?  I hate myself.  I’m inadequate as a mother and provider.  I’m unworthy of success.  I’m unattractive...fat, old, out of shape.  Who would ever want this?  No wonder Jon left.”  As you are reading these statements, you’re like, “Wow, Jenn, that’s harsh.”  I know, they are.  And I know these thoughts are not from God.  I do not know why these they have come pounding on my door with such fury lately.  You can say they are wrong, untrue, lies from the devil, but they feel so real, and they have become so familiar that they flowed off my pen with ease that morning.  Before I knew it, I had filled an entire page with these statements.  I folded it up, stuck it in my pocket to ponder later.  During the next service, I asked the question again, “God, who do you say I am?”  No answer.   Ugh....more frustration.  Finally, during the last service, I was coming undone.  My lips were quivering as I sang the words, "I will build my life upon your love.  It is a firm foundation."  Nothing in my life feels secure right now.  And then finally, God whispered.  “Give me the list.”  'What, Lord?”  “Give. me. the list.”   Suddenly I could feel that list burning a hole in my pocket.  I knew what I needed to do, but I was standing on a stage in front of thousands of people and really didn’t want to call attention to this private moment.  I wished that I was huddled in a closet by myself, but I was not.  I needed to be willing to do this no matter what else was going on.  I took the list out of my pocket, left my microphone and walked over to the cross.  I kneeled down, ripped the list into several pieces and laid it at the foot of the cross.  “Ok, Jesus, take it.”  The tears flowed, the services ended and I felt as though a weight had been lifted.

That was Sunday.  Monday morning, those same thoughts returned with a vengeance.  Ugh…I just laid them down YESTERDAY! What is wrong with me?  That’s when I began to write this blog.  As I labored over it, I kept hearing the question, "Who do you say I AM?"  "What, Lord?"  "You wanted to know who I say you are.  I am asking you the same....who do you say I am?"  Oh.....

Lord, you are truth.  You are love.  You are good.  You are light.  You are my salvation.  You are healing.  You are freedom.  You are peace.  You are mercy.  You are pure joy.  You are deliverance.  You are my victory.  You are holy.  You are righteous.  You are my creator.  You are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-sufficient.

"Ok, then.  Focus on that."

In the 2nd blog I ever wrote, only 3 weeks after Jon had passed, I said these words:
 “I AM DETERMINED TO SEE WHAT GOD IS DOING HERE.  I know my God..... I do not FEEL it right now, but I know He is doing something, that He will not leave me with my face in the dust forever.  He will heal my broken heart and restore my crushed spirit.  And I DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.  I want to look back, with a crowd of witnesses by my side, and SEE how the Lord did it....all of it...for all of us.  How can He possibly turn this mourning into dancing or bring beauty from these ashes?  I don't know.  Right now it seems impossible, but I BELIEVE that HE WILL.  And that belief will get me through the next 10 minutes, then the next 10, and the next."

         

In true Jon Massey fashion, I even made these words bold, “I know my God.  He is doing something.”  I still believe that.  I DON’T know myself right now.  I don’t recognize this woman.  I don’t like this Jennifer, but I DO still know my God.  For now, I will focus on that.  As I focus more on who God is, the question, “who am I?” will matter less and less.  I believe in strategically letting go of the need to answer that question and grabbing on tight to  “who God is”  that the self-loathing, unworthiness and inadequacy will, at last, be cast into the pit of hell where it belongs.  

I suspect I am not alone in this struggle.  If you can relate all too well to these words, then maybe you would like to join me in what I am doing.  I am asking God to do something in me over the next 90 days, starting today, September 4th, 2018.  I will spend time each morning meditating on who God is, declaring everything I know to be true of Him. I will not worry about who I am. I will not try to figure it out. I will saturate myself instead with who God is. During the day when my thoughts turn to how disappointed I am with myself, or how worried I am about certain circumstances, I will take that as a cue to shift my focus to God, and remind myself WHO HE IS. I don't know how to change my thoughts toward myself, so I'm simply trying to remove that focus altogether in an act of constant surrender.   And when that list reassembles itself and finds its way back into my pocket, I will rip it up again and lay it at the foot of the cross.  I started my morning by writing the number 90 at the top of my journal.  I will count backwards because it seems less intimidating, but if you prefer to start with 1 and count forward, go for it!  90 days seems like a long time, but having lived 17,387 days so far, I realize they will go by far too quickly.   Let's do something different and intentional with the next 90, shall we?

I'd love to hear from you!  If you want to join me, comment on the blog or Facebook post.  I'm going to start a list so I can be praying for each of you as well!  May God bless you, my fellow travelers.  And may the next 90 days bring a refreshing awareness of who God is and how much He loves you.