Angry

Can I be honest?  I mean blatantly, painfully, horrifically honest?  I’m talking about ripping the curtain back to see that the great and powerful Oz is really just a small insignificant man type of honesty.  I. AM. ANGRY.

What do you mean, Jenn?  Are you disappointed?  Are you frustrated?  Are you discouraged?  Yep - all of those things, but it goes way past that.  I am furious with anger.  There, I said it.  I have been all those other things before - disappointed, frustrated, discouraged, bitter.  I’ve even SAID that I was angry before, but I don’t think I ever knew what real anger was.  And you know what’s worse?  I’m not angry at SOMEONE.  I am really, truly horribly angry at God.  I know.  How dare I?  The audacity.  Who do I think I am?  Well, I warned you, the curtain is coming back today.  You expected me to be angry at Jon, didn’t you?  I mean truthfully, that seems the more appropriate response.  In the past 19 1/2 months, I may have had brief moments of what I thought was anger.  It wasn’t really anger though….it was deep disappointment and utter disbelief.  More like, “how on earth did you think we were going to survive this, Jon?  Did you stop to think about that for one second?”  No, he didn’t.  He was knee-deep in the lie that we would be “better off.”  He was chest-deep in the lie that he would never get better and he was overcome with the lie that this was the only answer.  The moments I have felt angry toward Jon are just that - moments.  They don't make me doubt who he was or what our relationship was.  I know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t life, it wasn’t the move to Nicaragua, it wasn’t some hidden secret - it was simply the disease.  Bipolar depression is to blame for his death.  If bipolar depression is to blame, then I can’t really be angry with him, can I?  It makes no more sense than being angry at a person for dying of cancer.  

This deep burning anger is a foreign feeling to me.  It is so foreign that it has taken me weeks to name it.  And longer than weeks to figure out the target of my anger.  Have you ever just been really furious?  So enraged by an injustice or struck by someone that you feel your whole entire body tense up, your heart pounding and your mind racing, feeling as though you might literally explode?  That’s where I was last night.  As I was driving home and praying, my praying turned to sobbing, screaming, pounding the steering wheel and flat out shouting at God.   “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THIS?  Are you just going to let me die, too?  Do you not care that I am drowning over here?”  Oh, wait…it gets worse.   “I have trusted you…..my whole life!  I believed in you!  You let me down!  You didn’t help Jon and he believed in you, too!  He was praying and begging for help.  Where were YOU???  You let him die.  Maybe you aren’t going to help me either.   I can’t do this anymore!  I NEED HELP!  THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!  WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME?”  

The questions arise.  Is God good?  Is He for me?  Is He an ever-present help in time of trouble?  Is He faithful?  I mean, I have spent a lot of time reading verses and quoting them with confidence to the world.  Suddenly though, I am unsure.  Everything I have held dear is being dangled off the cliff of doubt and I need an answer.  No, I demand an answer. 

So this morning I turned off my phone, put all distractions aside and threw down with God.  You see, I haven’t lost my faith.  I believe He is still there.  I’m just not sure what that means for me.  What did it mean to Jon in the end?  Eternal life?  Absolutely…..and if that was all, then that is certainly enough.  I mean, how can we complain about the free gift of eternal life?  But is that it?  I mean, we’ve been promised abundant life here.  I’m not talking about material possessions, but does that at least mean the promise of living with security that when you ask for wisdom, you will receive it?  When you seek the truth, will you indeed find it?  When you pray for guidance, will you hear His voice?  Will His spirit speak to yours?  Can you experience true peace even when your life is disheveled?  I’m not sure anymore.  

I began writing because this is one place He has always been faithful to me.  When I close my eyes and my fingers hit the keyboard, my Spirit inevitably is drawn to that quiet sacred space where He dwells within.  I dive back into the river where we are one, where it is no longer I but Christ who lives in me, and I can trust His voice implicitly.  I need clarity, Lord.  Where are you?  Please speak.

And so He does.  Hebrews 12:15 came to my spirit.  I didn’t know that verse.  I had to look it up, but there it was….plain as day.  “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”   Well, of course, I was immediately convicted by the words, “poisonous root of bitterness,” but frankly, the phrase that grabbed my attention more than anything was “grace of God.”  See to it that nobody misses the “grace of God.”  There’s a phrase we throw around a lot.  I’m sure my Christianese is regularly peppered with the phrase, “grace of God,” but WHAT EXACTLY is the “grace of God?”  Is it His mercy?  His goodness?  His compassion?  His promises?  What IS it?  Well, Galations 5:4 tells us that to be alienated from Christ is to be fallen away from the grace of God.  In Acts there are many, many references to the “grace of God.”  But Romans 5:15 states it perfectly clear when it says, “….by the grace of God, which is one man, Jesus Christ.”  The grace of God is not a thing, not a concept, not a value or a character trait, it is a PERSON, Jesus Christ.   That’s it.  Period.  End of sentence.  The grace of God is Jesus.   

So in short, to avoid the poisonous root of bitterness taking hold in my life, I need to receive the grace of God.  I need to receive Jesus.  What does that mean?  I DID receive Jesus.  I received Jesus long ago when I was a child.  I love Him, I worship Him, I study Him, I pray to HIm.  Hmm…. Yes, but Jesus is a person, a being, and “receiving” a person means relationship. Relationships are a two-way street.  You don’t make a friend by studying them, talking to them or talking about them.  You make a friend by interacting, by listening, loving and leaning.  So, why am I struggling with anger and bitterness?  Why am I lashing out, throwing this tantrum to God for not being good enough to me right now?  How have I become so lost that the feeling that comes most naturally to me is anger, righteous indignation, and self-pity?  That’s not Jesus.  Nope, that’s 100% Jennifer.  No two-way street here - this is all about me.  

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Never ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to?”  Well, the Holy Spirit gave me an answer I did not want to hear.  I mean like, back away, folks.  You do not want to be sitting by me when the lightning strikes.  He said, “You’re angry, are you?”  Yes, I am.  “You feel like you deserve something better?”  Yes, I do!  “You feel invisible?  You think God has let you down?”  Well, kinda.  “You know what that is, Jennifer?….That’s entitlement.”  What??? Ouch!  But….but…but…..ok.   I do not feel sorry for myself unless I feel that I DESERVE something better.  Man, sometimes I don’t like what the Spirit has to say.  But that’s the truth.  I feel entitled, deserving of a better life.  My husband took his own life, leaving me with NOTHING.  I have mountains of bills, responsibilities, life decisions, career decisions, no partner to help, much less a shoulder to cry on, a kind voice or warm hug.  That’s not fair!  What about meeeee?  It was not supposed to be this way!

God continues to speak.  “I didn’t promise it would be easy.  I promised to see you through it.  I promised to provide for your every NEED.  I promised to take this tragedy and make something so beautiful you will not even recognize it when I’m done.  I promised that I would take what the enemy meant for evil and use it for the saving of many lives.  Girl, you are so impatient!  You want an answer now.  But I promise you, if you had it your way, you would REALLY be disappointed.  I’m working on something much bigger, MUCH BIGGER and MUCH MUCH BETTER!  You don’t always see me, but I have always gone before you and beside you and behind you, protecting you, providing for you, comforting you.  This very minute I am working on answers to prayers you haven't even prayed yet.  Do you STILL not know how much I love you?”

I’m sorry, Lord.  I got off track.  No excuses.  My bad entirely.  You have been good.  I can’t even begin to name all the ways you have been faithful and oh so merciful.  You keep ALL of your promises and I am confident you are still keeping them.  I trust you even when I don’t see you.  Even when I don’t feel it, I know you are working.  I believe it.  I own it.  Give me the ability to be still.  Give me the ability to wait.  Make me your faithful servant.  And thank you….thank you so much for your patience, for enduring my temper tantrums and once again lovingly instructing and leading me back to safety.  I. AM. SECURE. LOVED. HELD.   I. AM. YOURS. 

I don't know where this picture came from, but I felt it perfectly captured my moment of screaming at God.