What's the Big Deal?

You’re now the sole provider….so what’s the big deal?

Ok - before I get started, allow me a couple of pre-qualifying statements: 

1.  This is not a pity party.  This is not a “look at how hard we have it” thing.   

2.  This is not a comparison.  I know plenty of guys who are single dads - and really good ones!  I know they have some of the same challenges and some different challenges and I am not minimizing those or dismissing them at all.  I just can’t really speak to them because…well, I’m a woman.  

There you have it!  That being said, there’s a BIG and growing group of people in our midst whose needs are great and we don’t really know how to help them....women who are the sole providers in their homes.  

We commonly call them “single moms,” which is sometimes accurate and sometimes not.  I don’t love this pairing of words though, because if I say “single mom” to you, it usually conjures up a universally analogous image.  You’re thinking a younger woman, small kids, never married or possibly divorced, and depending on how/where you grew up, you might even attach a certain ethnicity to the image.  Probably not one of you thought of someone my age, recently widowed with college kids or grown kids.  This is why I prefer the term “sole provider” over “single mom.”  

So, let’s expand our understanding of the term first.   A woman who is a sole provider can look like a LOT of different people.  It can be someone who’s married, but whose husband is unable or unwilling to work.  Maybe he’s incarcerated or disabled or struggling with an addiction and unable to hold down a job.  It can be someone who has never been married, who is divorced, who is widowed.  It can be a 20-year-old mom with one baby whose job can barely pay for the childcare she has to provide.  It can be someone with 3 jobs and latch-key kids who are left to care for themselves.  It can be a mom with grown kids whose husband always handled finances and decisions and suddenly she must face these things alone.  It can be the mom living in poverty who doesn’t know how she’s going to buy groceries this week or the widow living in a mansion that is oh so lonely and quiet now.  

Some of you, who have never walked this particular road may not understand why it is so hard.  I mean, come on Jenn, women have been working and caring for kids for eons.  It’s like their JOB, isn’t it?  Ok, sure, it might be easier with a spouse (usually), but can we really call being single a HARDSHIP?  Speaking as one thrust into this role for different reasons and at different times in my life, and knowing many in similar situations, I can say, “YES! It is most definitely a hardship.”  Whether you are a young single mama with littles still in tow, or a 60 yr old widow with grown kids…..hardship.  Different struggles and many of the same struggles as well. 

James 1:27 says, “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”  What does this mean in today’s world?  And like I said, what’s the big deal?  So you’re alone, pull yourself up by your boot straps and get moving.  So life is a little harder now, well lots of people have had it worse, Missy!  You’re strong.  Get a job.  Get two or three.  Get some counseling.  Get a housekeeper.  Get some rest.   Get your nails done.  Get a church.  And finally…..get a man.   Just pull yourself up and take care of business….right?  That all seems well and good when you’ve never been there.  And there was a time in my life that I did that….probably often to the detriment of my own mental health, and certainly sacrificing time with my children, but I did it.  However, adopting this attitude after the traumatic loss of Jon was a sheer impossibility.  

Let me give you a snapshot of our financial lives.  I had a growing and thriving business with a direct sales company.  This was basically paying our bills.  We chose for Jon to homeschool McCartney and help me grow my business.  By all appearances, I was the one doing the work and bringing in the income.  I mean, it’s not like Jon had a separate income stream that ceased after his passing.  HOWEVER, he was the one that managed the money and provided strategic support for me so that I could do the creative, bubbly cheerleader-thing I do that was driving my recruiting and sales.  His role was just as necessary and missed greatly.  Couple that with the fact that I was carrying this immense load of grief and no longer felt like the energetic, bubbly. cheerleader, recruiter sales girl.  I needed to now be able to do twice the amount of work on about 10% of the emotional energy. In addition to caring for and growing a business, I was a mom of two teenagers who were grieving and suffering.  I needed to be able to provide guidance, love and emotional stability for them.  I could barely lift my head most days.  How was I supposed to be a good mother?   Then there’s the practical aspect of running your household, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, the logistics of life and now an international move.  I always say that it was like someone exchanged my 100-watt bulb for a 15-watt bulb, while expecting me to still provide the same amount of light.  Impossible.   

Life is challenging and exhausting.  Families, children have needs - lots of them!  Working yourself to the point of physical exhaustion and then being the only adult in the room at the end of the day - the only one to make all the tough decisions, provide guidance and discipline, fight all the battles, do all the gross jobs - well, for me, it has been the hardest thing in the world.  I live with constant anxiety and regret over the way I have mishandled parenting, mishandled finances, and mishandled business.  

Now, I have other friends who have lost their spouses, both to divorce and death, who were not hit as hard financially.  Whereas that is a blessing, it certainly does not eliminate the need for other types of support.  Whether or not your bank account is fine, at the end of the day, you are still the one shouldering all the logistical and tactical responsibilities of managing life - again - the only adult, only parent, only boss, only volunteer.  If you have grown kids, at night the house is quiet, your bed is empty, the phone doesn’t ring as much as it used to.  You had “couple friends” before and most of them aren’t sure how to or whether to include you now.  You’re sad, depressed and emotional sometimes.  This makes folks uncomfortable.  Most people would rather wait it out somewhere else, steering clear of that mess until you are “back on your feet again.”   It’s not because they aren’t compassionate, it’s because they are ill-equipped, and let’s face it - they’re all busy, too!

You’re thinking, ok, Jenn, we get it!  It’s a big deal!  So what can we do?

Well, for starters, your new awareness is going to give you a different set of eyes.  You may see needs and ways you can help that had never crossed your mind before.  Ask the Holy Spirit to show you.  He will.  What you might be tempted to do is say to someone in this situation, “Please please let me know if there’s ever anything I can do for you.  I really want to help.”  Whereas that is a sweet and well-meaning thing to say, the hard fact is, most people will never ever call you.  Most people will never feel free to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, remember that time you offered to help me?  Well, I’m short on my electric bill this month.  Or I need someone who knows about cars to accompany me to the shop so that I don’t get taken for everything I’m worth.  Or I am completely overwhelmed and could use a home cooked meal and a friend to chat with.”  Most people are never going to ask.  I know this makes it a little tougher on you because you have to ask God specifically to tell you who to help and HOW to help.  That’s ok.  I promise He wants to help you figure it out.

In terms of a bigger way to help, I have had it on my heart for 14 years now to establish a non-profit dedicated to reaching women who are sole providers.  My goal is to launch it this year….and soon!  So, please be praying about that!  It will be a ministry sustained by a micro-business.  The first goal is to create connection and provide community.  Simply stated, we can’t help who we don’t know and we can’t meet needs if we are unaware they exist.  Secondly, the goal is to work with the community to provide discounted and free services, training, financial assistance, and opportunities to supplement income.  Thirdly, perhaps most importantly, to provide spiritual and emotional encouragement to the ones carrying this heavy load.  This ministry has a name and a plan.  I am currently working on structure and support.  I will let you know more as soon as I can.

Today I just felt the need to be a voice, to speak up for the millions of sole providers, young and old, who feel forgotten, abandoned, overwhelmed and stressed out.  Let’s show them together that we get it, we see them, we love them and from now on we’re willing to put our time and our money where our cursor is. 

(I don't know this woman...but I love what this picture conveys.)