The Fires of Sorrow

It has been 1 week and 1 day since my love, my best friend, departed this world.  I am alone.  The pain is a searing, hot, unrelenting fire that consumes my heart.  I have never felt anything like this before.  I am not sure what to do with myself.  The mornings come and the first thing I realize is that I am alone.  I. am. alone.  The daytime is filled with questions, devastating sorrow for what he went through, and debilitating self-loathing, wondering how I must have failed him.  The night comes and the reality of his absence threatens my very ability to breathe.  My chest caves in and the sobs and screams are the only thing that allow air to enter my lungs.  The silence follows the sobs, and the silence is deafening.  I don’t know what to do with myself, how to begin to live again.  I don’t reach for my phone to call him or text him.  I don’t accidentally call his name because there isn’t one second that goes by that I am not aware he is not here.  Our days, our plans revolved around each other.  We were that couple who PREFERRED time with each other over anything else. We didn’t have to make plans or have scheduled date nights.  We just were together, it was a given…..and that was everything.  I have experienced grief before, but never like this.  I have been thrown into the very pit of sorrow and it is the loneliest, most horrible place I have ever been.  There are so many questions here, so much mental torture.  It is so dark here.  

It is now, more than ever before, that I long for the presence of God, that I MUST cling to Jesus or lose myself completely.  It is now, that I know my ONLY hope is in the Lord.  I search for Him here, and in moments, far too scarce for my desire, He shows Himself.  I meditate on these words, daring to hope, attempting to draw LIFE from this place of death. 

“He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light.  He has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long….He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces, leaving me helpless and devastated….He shot his arrows deep into my heart….He has given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink….I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. YET I STILL DARE TO HOPE WHEN I REMEMBER THIS:  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, “the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.”  Lamentations 3: 2-3, 11, 13, 15, 20-24

This morning, I picked up Jon’s “My Utmost for His Highest” journal and read this:  "The way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow."  I will insert a photo and you can see it for yourself what he declared, “may be the most important page in this book.”  

“Suffering either gives me my self, or destroys my self.”  Faithful God, please save me here so that I may not be destroyed.  Out of these ashes, please create something new and make me “nourishment for other people.”