Everything He Did Right

About 8 years ago, I gave Jon a book for his 44th birthday.  I had written in it 44 memories and 44 things I loved about him.  It was his favorite gift.  He opened it, read it and cried.  He really hated crying in front of me, but he had such a soft heart.  He kept the book in the top drawer of his nightstand and would look back at it from time to time.  I wanted to do something similar as a Christmas gift to him this year, but I just couldn’t get in the right place to sit down and write. So, I’m hoping the “better late than never” rule still applies.  Let’s call it, “Everything He Did Right” (in no particular order).  This is for you, Jon.

He Gave Real Hugs. -  Jon knew how to hug.  He didn’t just wrap his arms around me and squeeze tightly, there was mental and emotional intent in his action and I could feel it.  It was like his hugs went all the way through me.  I could feel his heart and his spirit.  Depending on the occasion, I could literally FEEL the emotion in the hug, his compassion, concern, joy, sympathy, desire to protect, heal, minister, love, gratitude, his passion.  A hug always meant, “I want to remind you that I’M WITH YOU.  No matter what, I’m here.”

He apologized sincerely. - Of course we never argued (hahahaha!).  Anyone who knows me, knows that isn’t true.  BUT when we did have moments of “intense fellowship,” if I had pushed his buttons and he said some things that were mean or hurtful, he always came back and apologized, not reluctantly, but sincerely.  In fact, he would come find me and stop me from doing whatever I was doing, even if what I was doing was stomping around the house like a 2 year old….he would stop me, get right in front of me, look me in the eyes, put his hands on my shoulders and say, “I was wrong and I’m so sorry.”  We would hug and I would apologize for being an idiot or doing whatever I had done to provoke him and all was well in the world again.  We couldn’t stay angry at each other for long.  Our disagreements were sometimes intense, but they were short lived and there was never any shortage of forgiveness in our home.  In fact, he didn’t just apologize to me, but if the kids had been in earshot of one of these moments, he would seek them out and apologize to them, too.  He would say, “I should have never talked to your mom that way.  I was wrong and I’m sorry.”  It takes a man of great strength and courage to do that.

He didn’t make excuses. -  Like the rest of us humans, Jon did some things wrong.  He went through times in his life that were difficult and he made bad choices.  Though he was bi-polar you would never hear him use that as an excuse for anything he did.  A lesser man would have said, “Well, I was just crazy back then.  I wasn’t on medication, can’t be blamed for that.”  Not Jon.  He recognized every choice as a choice.  He knew he had made good ones and bad ones in his lifetime.  What I admired so much about him was that he sorrowed so deeply over choices he made that had hurt people.  He was such a lover, such a giver that he could not excuse behavior that had caused others pain.   It says a lot about a person who takes responsibility, who doesn’t hide from truth, who sorrows over sin, who confesses, repents and owns blame.  Though I would have said he was TOO hard on himself at times, this was part of what made him who he was.  He grieved deeply because he loved deeply.  He had high expectations for himself and was so disappointed when he fell short of who he was in Christ.  That is a most honorable trait.  I am so glad he now KNOWS the full extent of God’s grace and has been completely set free from guilt and shame.  It makes me so happy to know he will never have to struggle with forgiveness again.  

He extended lots of grace. - When it came to my irritating habits, my loudness or the way I can grab onto a subject like a bulldog and never let it go, he gave me tons of grace.  Sometimes he would laugh at things that might make other people want to smack me, then I would laugh at myself.  For example, if I we were getting ready to have people over and I was frantically running around the kitchen trying to make sure everything was done, my tone might get a little snippy.  (Can anyone relate?).  He would calmly agree to help, give me a little sideways grin and say something funny to break the ice.  He knew how to diffuse me.  Like all normal couples, we did snap at each other plenty of times, but it was never long before we were making up.  I was reading an email from our dating days where I was apologizing for not letting something go.  I said, “I’m so sorry!  I know I’m impossible.”  He responded, “You are impossible, Jenni….impossible not to love.”   

He said I was beautiful. -  This may sound silly to some, but this is so special.  Not one single day went by that he didn’t tell me I was beautiful.  Not, “wow!  You look really nice.”  Or “That’s a pretty outfit.”  Nope - it was almost always the same, “You’re so beautiful.”  For years I would protest.  At times he might say it to me while we were working outside, sweaty, no makeup, hair pulled back in a hat, and he would look at me and say, “You’re so pretty.”  Really?  Really, Jon?  (Eye roll). But he MEANT it.  It took years, but eventually I believed him.  I believed that whether I was fat or fit, makeup or no makeup, short hair or long hair, dressed to kill or wearing sweats and a t-shirt, he TRULY thought I was beautiful.  He didn’t care if I agreed with him.  Let me tell you, it really does something for a girl’s self-esteem to hear that every day.  Eventually I didn’t protest,  I just smiled and thanked him or leaned over and kissed him.  For 12 short years I had someone who looked at me every single day like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.  What a treasure. 

He did the little things. -  He volunteered regularly to do the things nobody else wanted to do.  Whether it was cleaning up after the dog, driving around to deliver fundraising items, running to the grocery store for something I forgot (even though it might take him an hour. Haha) or picking up one of the kids at midnight after we had already gotten cozy because they were supposedly “getting a ride home,”  he just did it.  He didn’t make a big deal, roll his eyes or talk about how inconvenienced he was….he just did it.  When I was short handed at work, he came in to bag beads - AND he actually enjoyed it!!  When we were moving to Nicaragua, he handled legal things, the tons of paperwork for residency.  He always handled things with the house, the car, making phone calls, figuring out the health insurance, the taxes, the bills, all the un-fun stuff.  I appreciated those things before, but I appreciate them so much more now that I have to do them all by myself.  It is not fun being the only one to handle all the details of life.  Jon was such a great partner to me.

He gave extravagantly. -  Jon was great at giving gifts, and constantly surprising me with little things - bringing home flowers with the groceries, handing me a pair of earrings he saw me admiring, bringing home a new Coach purse (my favorite) or a gold anklet just because.  He gave extravagantly for special occasions, often spending more money than we had budgeted because he just wanted to.  When we were dating, he would take me to expensive restaurants, something to which I was not accustomed.  He would grin and say, “Anything you want.  We’re celebrating tonight.”  And when I would protest his extravagant gifts and say he spent to much, he always said one thing: “you’re worth it.”  It wasn’t about the gifts, he just wanted to make sure I knew how much he treasured me, so he showed me….constantly.  When I first had my jewelry business, sometimes the two of us would set up at our favorite restaurant, Aldaco’s, on Friday night.  Inevitably a couple would walk by and the woman would pause, admiring a $10 pair of earrings or a $15 bracelet.  The guy would be looking toward the door, pretending not to notice what she was looking at, then grab her hand and say, “come on, let’s go.”  As they walked away, Jon would just shake his head and say, “dude, just buy the earrings.”  He understood that the gesture of just buying the $10 earrings was a lot more valuable than the $10 saved by not buying them.  I don’t know where he learned that, but it was an adorable trait, and it didn’t stop with me, he did the same thing with the kids and friends, too.  He just had the biggest most giving heart. 

He took time to write. - As much as I loved his gifts, his cards were actually my favorites!  He often left me little notes or sent me adoring, loving texts.  I now wish I had saved them all to read and re-read.  I never dreamed they would stop coming.  But what I do have is a drawer full of cards written for every occasion.  I loved his cards because he put time and great thought into each word.  He never just signed it, “love, Jon,”  he wrote his own beautiful thoughts.  He always was way too generous with his words about me, just sweeter than honey, and he constantly reiterated his love and commitment.  I never ever doubted his faithfulness or love, not once.  As I was reading back through his cards, I found it interesting that he often mentioned eternity.  He would say, “Yours through eternity,” or  “Loving you through eternity,” and in our last anniversary card, “Til death parts us for only a day.”

He made me laugh. - Well, not just me, he made EVERYONE laugh.  Jon was quiet in a crowd, but the funniest guy in the room.  Not everyone was privy to his jokes - usually just the one sitting next to him, which was usually me. :-) He LOVED to make people laugh.  You could see how much it pleased him when he was successful.  He especially got great pleasure out of making his mom laugh.  I remember several incidents around the table at a family lunch where he had his mom laughing.  He actually reminisced about it on the car ride home, like he had won an award!  Haha!  So cute.  He REALLY excelled at making the kids laugh.  When we were all together on a family vacation or something, it was so cute to watch Lynee, Jordan and McCartney all cracking up over one of his gross jokes.  Also, he could imitate just about anyone and would have us rolling on the floor with the voices he could do.  He could recite the entire dinner table scene from the Nutty Professor and get every voice spot on.  The grandmother was his favorite character and he loved to embarrass me with a well-timed inappropriate quote of hers.  Haha!  If he could make me laugh AND blush that was like a double jackpot for him!  He was also famous for texting hilarious photos, or short videos while he was working outside.  He was just a funny well-loved guy.

He used sweet nicknames. -  If he actually called me by my name, he called me Jenni, or “My Jenni,” but usually he used a cute little pet name.  He’d walk in the door and say, “Hey, beautiful lady.”  I’d answer the phone and he’d say, “Hey, Pretty Eyes.”  Actually, he had quite a few names he loved to use that I can’t share here.  Haha!  But the funny thing about that was when I would be in the car and answer a call on speaker, WHILE THE KIDS WERE IN THE CAR.  After a few embarrassing moments, I learned to say, “Hey, hon…you’re on speaker!”  The nicknames weren’t just for me.  Sometimes I would hear him call McCartney, “Sunshine,” or “Child of God.”  He lovingly called Lynée and Jordan, “Turd.”  Hahaha!  Only Jon could use that as a nickname and actually have it be endearing.  Somewhere along the way, he and Jordan joked about the whole “stepdad/stepson” relationship and what you’re supposed to call each other, so Jon started calling Jordan, “Step” for short.  It made both of them laugh.  Jordan had his own nickname for Jon, “Dragon of the Sea,” which was later shortened to “Dragon.”  That’s a long story for another day, but I think he really loved finally having his own nickname.

He made time for important things. -  Reading and praying together in the morning, lunches just because, special occasion dinners, daddy/daughter date night, school events, basketball games, recitals, band concerts, visiting someone in the hospital, smoking cigars with his buddies on the back porch, long conversations on the phone with anyone needing to talk, counseling sessions, weekend getaways, sitting up late talking about life and dreams, meeting an old friend for coffee……he was never too busy for any of these things.  There’s really nothing I can add to that.

He was my biggest fan. - No matter what I did, he loved it.  He wanted to talk about it, dream about it, plan with me.  He supported every creative business endeavor, financially, mentally and emotionally.  He cheered me on, told me I was good, prayed for me, spoke blessing and favor into my life.  When it came to music, well, he thought I was the best.  He would listen to me practice.  He usually thought he was taking a sneaky video, but it was never that sneaky and I always begged him to delete it and put the phone away.  He showed up to every church service if I had a solo.  He would video and watch it over and over again.  I think he really did love to listen to me sing, but more than that, he knew what music did for my soul, so he loved it for me.  He knew it made me happy and that I was never more at home than when I was leading a worship song, so he wanted that for me.  In his wedding vows to me, he ended with this:   “Last of all, my request:  Please sing as many songs each day in our home as possible.  Beyond fantastic, they bring peace and streams of water which cleanse the soul.” 

Dear Jon, 

I know I have left some things out.  It is just impossible to put into words all the ways you made my life better.  I am beyond honored and blessed to be your wife.  More than anything, I wish we were able to grow old together, to continue down our adventurous path together.  You are missed each and every moment.  Though you are not here physically, you are part of me forever.  The rest of my days will be different because of the love we shared.  That love is an eternal bond and goes with me every step of the way.  The sorrow which has brought me to my knees, comes from the same love which gives me the strength to get up and keep going...not to move on, but to live forward.  Thank you for teaching me so much about love, life and God.  Merry Christmas, my love!  

Loving you through eternity, 

Your Jenni