The Fire

It’s one of those days.   I feel quiet, tired, sad and anxious.   I am so lonely, yet all I want is to be alone.   I miss my partner so much.   I miss having someone to help me figure things out, to reassure me that it’s going to be ok and to hold me close.   Days like today I find myself still screaming at God, “I don’t want to do this.   I can’t do this anymore.”   You’ve been there.   You’ve had one of those days.   The wave comes, turns you upside down while your will to survive is waning.   For a moment you consider just letting this breath be your last.   There are no easy answers.   It’s not just one thing.   It’s not that you haven’t prayed or read your Bible.   So what IS IT?   Why are some days ok and others flatten you like a steamroller?   Is it hard to imagine that I am so familiar with this feeling?   You hear me saying lots of hopeful things and writing words of faith.   And let me assure you, I do this because I need them, not because I feel them.   On days

Lately I have not had as much trouble sleeping, but tonight my body decided to revisit that fun pattern of waking up every hour or so.   At 3:00 a.m. I was unable to go back to sleep, so I rolled out of bed, made a cup of tea and here I sit.   Of course I know what today is….I knew it yesterday, and the day before, and last month and the first of this month….I knew August 13th was coming.   And though today is our 11th anniversary, I’m not sitting here thinking about Jon……I’m thinking about my son Jordan.   I’m so proud of that young man!   He had a gig in New York City last night and all I can think of is how I wasn't there.    This is the kind of thing that would never have happened if Jon were still alive.   He would have made sure I was there, or more likely that we were all there.   He always figured out a way to make important family things happen, no matter what the financial situation.   “Don’t worry, babe.   It’s all gonna be ok.   This is more important.”   I don

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up one of my Facebook groups.   I was deleting old photos and videos when I ran across an image that caused me to stop dead in my tracks.  The date, April 11, 2017.   It was a live video of the training I was conducting the night I  received the phone call that Jon had taken his own life.   I knew the training had been recorded live, but I guess I assumed it had been deleted.  I had never once looked for it, so it caught me completely by surprise.   I sat behind my computer screen, staring in disbelief….actual recorded footage of the moment the tidal wave hit.   Of course I remember it, but SEEING it….I didn’t know if I could handle the impact.   I paused, staring longer at the screen, realizing if I clicked play that there would be no going back, the image would be seared in my brain forever.   It would be like watching the plane hit the World Trade Center on 9/11, or like standing on the shore of Indonesia and watching a tsunami roll in.

This morning I sit at the end of my sofa, coffee in hand,   in the same place I sit every morning.   The artificial leather upholstery has finally given way to constant use and begun to peel away from the cushion.   Like so many other things in my life, I see the weathering, the age, the depreciation and it causes me to ponder.   The decomposition of “life as I knew it” has weathered me as well.   The days of clenched jaw, wrenched brow and hot tears have aged my face.   I see lines around my eyes and my mouth where there used to be smooth skin and I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror anymore.   What a contrast to the face of 11 years ago.   On August 1, 2007, a different person stared back at me eagerly anticipating the life changing event about to take place.   As she fixed her hair and put on her makeup, butterflies and nervous excitement brought a huge grin to her face, but on the inside she was calm and sure, never more certain of a decision.   The woman of August 1st, 2