A Love Letter

Lately I have not had as much trouble sleeping, but tonight my body decided to revisit that fun pattern of waking up every hour or so.  At 3:00 a.m. I was unable to go back to sleep, so I rolled out of bed, made a cup of tea and here I sit.  Of course I know what today is….I knew it yesterday, and the day before, and last month and the first of this month….I knew August 13th was coming.  And though today is our 11th anniversary, I’m not sitting here thinking about Jon……I’m thinking about my son Jordan.  

I’m so proud of that young man!  He had a gig in New York City last night and all I can think of is how I wasn't there.  This is the kind of thing that would never have happened if Jon were still alive.  He would have made sure I was there, or more likely that we were all there.  He always figured out a way to make important family things happen, no matter what the financial situation.  “Don’t worry, babe.  It’s all gonna be ok.  This is more important.”  I don’t know how he did it, but man, I sure do miss that! 

I know Jordan totally understands that it just wasn’t feasible right now.  He’s not upset at all!  In fact, he was probably happy to go somewhere without me.  Haha!  I’m just having a hard time escaping that “two bowls of cereal” feeling this morning.  For those of you who read my blog regularly, that totally made sense.  For the rest of you, it comes from another time I felt like I was totally sucking as a mom.  (For the life of me, I can't think of a more poetic way to say that.)   Here's the link in case you want to read that story:  http://thefiresofsorrow.blogspot.com/2018/06/two-bowls-of-cereal.html.   

Ok, ok, Jenn!  So far this is kind of a bummer.  Not much of an anniversary post, is it?  Let’s see if we can turn that around. 

45 minutes later 

Well, I sat here for a bit longer, trying to muster up a story about our wedding, or an anniversary.  I thought of many, but none I felt moved to share.  I thought about going to my room and getting out the bag of cards to read again, and as I put my cup of coffee down (Yes, I’ve already transitioned from tea to coffee in the past two hours.  I’m up now!)….  As I put my cup of coffee down on top of the golden bound “My Utmost for His Highest” book, the Spirit nudged me:  “I have a love letter for you this morning.”  

"Ok, Lord.  I'm all ears," as I picked up the book.

Oswald Chamber's August 13th reading was about Thessalonians 5:19, not quenching the spirit.  Hmmm.....Here's what he had to say about it:

Beware if in personal testimony you have to hark back and say - “Once so many years ago I was saved.”  If you are walking in the light, there is no harking back, the past is transfused into the present wonder of communion with God.  If you get out of the light you become a sentimental Christian and live on memories…

Ok, stick with me here.....I promise this is going somewhere!

I have spent a lot of time the past 16 months trying to honor, recapture and savor memories.....all in an effort to postpone the harsh realization that my relationship with Jon is 100% in the past.  His love for me was only for a season in my life.  I am so grateful, because what it gave me is eternal, and I will always seek to honor him and our relationship, BUT the actual ongoing experience of his love and our relationship was only meant for a season.  The experience of his presence, was only for a beautiful, life altering, much too short season. 

In this new season, I must refocus on the Lord as my husband.  In that, I am reminded that HIS love is eternal, and the experience of His love is ongoing daily, ever present.  As I sit here missing Jon this morning, I am held in the arms of my faithful God who understands.  Unlike my relationship with Jon, I don’t have to reminisce about “once so many years ago I was loved by God,” I am loved TODAY, right now, in this moment.  Oswald was right.  The past and all the manifestations of God’s love for me, including Jon, is transfused into the present wonder of communion with God.  The ONLY way for me to truly honor the love Jon gave is to lean into what is eternal.  And as I lean back into the Father this morning, a wave of his abiding love washes over me, filling the void left by Jon’s ever-present absence.  Wait. just. a minute….wow!  The words “ever-present absence” just rolled off my fingers onto the keyboard.  I have never said them or read them or thought them, and until this moment, I was completely unaware of how accurate this oxymoron is when describing the loss of your spouse.  There is an ever-present absence that is pure agony.  Heartache, longing, intense sorrow, sleepless nights, weeping and wailing are the result of the ever-present absence.  It is the juxtaposition of this anguish, this pure hell, to God’s never-absent presence that brings healing, comfort, peace, freedom and joy. 

I promise you that I am dumbfounded by these words this morning.  They were certainly not my own.  Let’s just allow them to soak in for a moment.

The ever-present absence of Jon in my life is healed by the never-absent presence of God in my life. 

15 minutes later…

Well, I guess I don’t have anything I can add to that.  Though I am not getting a beautifully-worded, romantic, flowery anniversary card from Jon today, God DID have something for me....a beautiful, poetic, faithful revelation of his love and affection for me.  Thank you, Lord.  May I always walk in the awareness of your abiding presence.