What the Enemy Meant for Evil

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up one of my Facebook groups.  I was deleting old photos and videos when I ran across an image that caused me to stop dead in my tracks.  The date, April 11, 2017.  It was a live video of the training I was conducting the night I  received the phone call that Jon had taken his own life.  I knew the training had been recorded live, but I guess I assumed it had been deleted.  I had never once looked for it, so it caught me completely by surprise.   I sat behind my computer screen, staring in disbelief….actual recorded footage of the moment the tidal wave hit.  Of course I remember it, but SEEING it….I didn’t know if I could handle the impact.  I paused, staring longer at the screen, realizing if I clicked play that there would be no going back, the image would be seared in my brain forever.  It would be like watching the plane hit the World Trade Center on 9/11, or like standing on the shore of Indonesia and watching a tsunami roll in.  I would watch this carefree confident Jennifer, realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do to prepare her for the wave that was about to hit.  

There is nothing to bolster you for those waves.  No amount of education, life experience, parenting or spiritual strength can prevent them from knocking you you off your feet, stealing your breath and even threatening your life.  For me, that wave came with the phone call that my husband had taken his own life.  But those waves come in other forms as well.  Hearing words like, “You have cancer.  I’m sorry…there’s nothing more we can do.  He didn’t make it through the surgery.  There’s been a wreck.  I don’t love you anymore.  I’m leaving.  Your child has a fatal illness.  You’ll never walk again.,” and I’m sure many many more.  You can probably add your own.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s the moment that strikes without warning, completely altering the landscape of your life.  Those waves come with undue force, and we are left with two choices.  We can fight for life or simply succumb to the devastation and destruction.  When the wave takes you under and your airways begin to constrict, you can start kicking toward the surface, or close your eyes and sink to the bottom of the ocean.  Trust me, I understand the attraction to both scenarios equally. 

After a few long minutes, I diffidently clicked play.  As I watched myself on the screen, my heart was beating faster.  I had a giant lump in my throat, my brow was furrowed and fists were clenched as I looked at this woman, this happy composed woman before me.  It was like watching a scary movie, when you know that something bad is about to happen and you want to yell, “watch out!”  I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and look her in the eyes and say, “Look at me!  What’s about to happen is your worst nightmare.  There will be no avoiding the horrific pain that’s about to ensue, but I promise you….I PROMISE YOU, God will get you through it.”  

As I watched the heartbreaking event unfold, I began to recall the wake of emotions and thoughts that followed the initial shock.  The first was denial, which came on quickly. I screamed, “No! No! No!!!!!  I don’t believe it.  It’s not true.  It’s not true.  It’s not true.  It’s not true.”  In utter panic, I began to beg and plead with God.  "Please, rewind the clock, just a little bit.  Fix it!  You’re God!  You can do this.  You’ve done it before, Lord!  Bring him back!  Like other people who have died and come back to tell about it.  Please, God!!!  When we get out to the house, I just know that he’ll be ok and they’ll be taking him to the hospital.  God, I believe in you!  You are a God of miracles!  Please!  I can’t survive this Lord.  I won’t make it.  Please, Jesus.  PLEASE!.” 

By the time we arrived at the house it was almost dark.  Police cars lined the driveway and the street, flashing lights and men in uniform.  Jon’s parents stood in the driveway with my Dad and brother-in-law who had arrived before us.  I was shaking as I stepped out of the car, waiting for the words, “He’s going to be ok.”  I was frantically hoping with all my heart to hear those words.  They didn’t come.  Instead there were lots of tears and questions, instructions from authority not to enter the house until they had cleared it.  It was being treated as a crime scene.  I wanted to see him, but they warned me against it.  I leaned up against my dad who just squeezed me tight and held me close.  Surely this was a bad dream.

Looking back I can clearly see the spiritual warfare taking place.  Satan had delivered a fatal blow that could obliterate not only Jon's life, but me, his kids, his parents, and my kids as well.  We were in a battle with an enemy who seeks to steal, kill and destroy.  “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12)  We were in the heat of the most intense spiritual warfare I have ever encountered.  And let me ask you, do you think taking Jon was enough for Satan?  Do you think he was going to take a break at that point?  Do you think He decided to take it easy on me because I was grieving?  Absolutely not - that’s when he went in for the kill.  

The “Father of Lies” (John 8:44) told me it was my fault.  It was actually one of the first things I remember feeling - other than disbelief.  Sitting in the back seat of Lauri’s suburban as she drove McCartney, Jordan and me out to Jon’s parents house, I was crying, looking toward heaven and screaming at the top of my lungs, “I’m sorry!!!  I’M SORRY!!!! PLEEEEEASE.  I'M SORRY!!!!”  I remember thinking there is no way I can survive this, not just the sadness, but this amount of blame.  I will die under the weight of this. I now know it was not my fault, but I still battle this feeling regularly.  “If only I had done something different.  Why didn’t I see it coming? Why wasn’t I out there with him? I could have prevented it.   God is punishing me…..”

He told me that I couldn’t make it on my own.  I prayed to die.  I begged to die.  I felt guilty about wanting to leave this earth because I didn’t want my children to lose another parent, so I prayed that God would just take all of us together.  When we were on an airplane, I hoped it would crash.  I wished there would be an accident or  natural disaster that would just take us all.  Even moreso, I wanted Jesus to come back. 

Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos and turmoil, Jesus was working.  He was on the front lines, fighting this battle, speaking truth to my heart, comforting me in the night.  He used the thousands of prayers of my faithful friends and believers all over the world to strengthen me and get me through 10 minutes, then 10 hours, then 10 days, then 10 months.  The healing was/is sweet and supernatural.  It comes faithfully when I have cried every last bitter tear, with my face down in the carpet, emotionally spent and physically depleted.  My body collapses under the weight of sorrow, and that’s when I feel it….this inexplicable peace and strength in my inner being.  There is no explanation except God.  

Hope comes in the night.  Joy comes in the morning.  Peace comes at the most unusual times.  And though the tsunami force destruction came and washed away life as I knew it, His presence has followed in gentle wave after wave, rebuilding and recreating my heart and my life.  I always believed God was faithful, but never had I experienced kindness, provision, protection, comfort, mercy and healing like this.

So, I watched the video.  I did.  And it didn’t destroy me.  Instead it reminded me of HOW INCREDIBLY FAITHFUL my God is.  How He has carefully brought me from a moment of complete devastation to a life of total dependence.  How He has given me “ a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise in place of a spirit of despair." And rest assured, "God will be praised for what He has done.”  (Isaiah 61:3)

"What the enemy meant for evil, God intended for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20).   

So tell me, what did he mean for evil in your life?  What was your moment, the thing you thought you would never survive?  How has God been faithful to you?  And how is God using it for good and the saving of many lives?  

Close your eyes, friend.  Lean back into His strong arms.  He is on the front lines, fighting your battles, working in unseen ways to strengthen you in your inner being.  He is faithful, kind, compassionate, generous with His mercy and oh so loving.  You can trust Him.  And that tsunami wave?  Well, it's nothing more than a rain drop in the hands of our great God! 

Screenshot of the moment my friend interrupted the training and  said, "you need to take this call."