Born To Be His

This morning I sit at the end of my sofa, coffee in hand,  in the same place I sit every morning.  The artificial leather upholstery has finally given way to constant use and begun to peel away from the cushion.  Like so many other things in my life, I see the weathering, the age, the depreciation and it causes me to ponder.   The decomposition of “life as I knew it” has weathered me as well.  The days of clenched jaw, wrenched brow and hot tears have aged my face.  I see lines around my eyes and my mouth where there used to be smooth skin and I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror anymore.  What a contrast to the face of 11 years ago.  On August 1, 2007, a different person stared back at me eagerly anticipating the life changing event about to take place.  As she fixed her hair and put on her makeup, butterflies and nervous excitement brought a huge grin to her face, but on the inside she was calm and sure, never more certain of a decision.  The woman of August 1st, 2007 was yesterday and a million years ago all at once.  That was the day that Jon and I walked up the courthouse steps to become husband and wife.  It was our pre-ceremony ceremony.  The actual wedding was taking place on a sandy beach in Mexico on August 13th, but August 1st was the day I became Mrs. Jon Massey, in the eyes of Bexar County anyway.  11 short years ago marked the beginning of something new, the culmination of many hopes and dreams.  Oh the joy to finally stand together as one in the eyes of God and man.  But how I wish I could sneak back into that scene and tell the pre-Mrs. Massey a few things.  I wish I could tell her that this “lifetime” she was about to begin with the love of her life would mostly not look like she pictured - some of it would be way better and some of it would be a little worse, but it would change her and mold her in ways she never imagined.  I wish I could tell her that though it would be amazing and beautiful, it would be so much shorter than she had planned.  I wish I could tell her to treasure every second together, to hold them near and dear to her heart, to never waste time arguing about silly things, to never fail to be kind or grateful, not to pass up a single hug or kiss, and to look at her phone less and into his eyes more.  But mostly I wish I could tell her that as she loves this man with her whole heart be sure to love God even more.  No matter how wonderful this man is before you, he is just a man.  He will let you down even though it’s the farthest thing from his heart.  He is good, kind, generous, selfless and oh so loving, but he is human.  He will never want you to suffer, but you will.  He will not want you to lack for anything, but you will.  He will never want to hurt you, but he will.  He will never want to leave you…..but he will.   It’s not his fault.  It’s not your fault.  Love each other more than any earthly thing, but remember you are only human.

We were never designed to be entirely fulfilled by another person, even the one we love the most in this world.  This is so disappointing to me, even heartbreaking, because isn’t marriage a blessing from God himself?  Absolutely!  Isn’t marriage designed to teach you and grow you in your relationship with God?  100% yes!  Isn’t marriage a partnership that brings you security, affection, joy and love - all of which are  good and Godly things?  Completely!  But having been extraordinarily blessed with a marriage that far exceeded my wildest dreams and expectations, I am here to report that it was still not enough.  It’s not that Jon wasn’t enough because he or I or our relationship was somehow flawed.  It’s because we were never designed to be enough for each other.  If you’re like me, this is really hard stuff to hear because you are so truly, madly and deeply in love with the one who shares your pillow.  But if your dreams have been shattered by a relationship that is stagnant, distant or left you wanting, this might come as a relief.  It's not your fault.  You were never designed to have all your needs met by that person.  If you’ll allow me a little 20/20 hindsight here, I can confidently say that one of the biggest problems in a marriage is when we make our spouse our everything.  I’m not claiming to be a relationship expert, but I deliver this transparently from some hard earned experience. 

God has really been speaking to me this week and exposing some very raw nerves in the process.  One of the verses I quickly latched onto after Jon’s death was Isaiah 54:5, “For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!  He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.”  Yes!  I love this!  I miss having a husband, my partner, my soul mate, my best friend.  It is a relief to know I can count on God to back me up now, to provide for me and my kids.  (Like He wasn’t before?  Goodness!)  It’s a burden lifted to know that God will be my comforter and counselor as I forge ahead alone, making decisions and managing the day to day details of life.  I’m so grateful to have him as my “husband.”  Wow.  Really, Jenn?  Is this your expectation of a husband?   To be your business partner and co-counsel?  What would your earthly marriage have looked like if that’s all you expected?  Would it have fulfilled your needs and been all you ever dreamed?  No, I think not.  

It was so natural for me to rely on Jon.  I could run to him with everything, good and bad.  He was the first person I called after receiving the good news or celebrating the big accomplishment.  I couldn’t wait to hear his voice on the phone!  He was the first person I ran to when I was hurt, broken or weary.  It was his hugs, his kisses, his prayers that made me feel safe and secure.  It was his sweet words that made me feel adored and cherished above all.  He treated me and our marriage as a sacred treasure.  He knew me better than anyone, the good and the bad, and I felt LOVED in every way possible.  What a treasure indeed!  What a blessing!  But friends, it is possible to love the gift more than the giver, and to regard the created more than the Creator.  If you aren’t most careful, it is possible to take that blessing and shape it into a god.  

So my loving and patient Creator husband whispers, “Do you believe I can love you like that?  Do you believe that I can meet EVERY need?  Not just give you guidance and wisdom, not just provide for you financially, but provide for your heart?  Do you believe that my love is enough?  That you can feel so complete, so whole, so KNOWN, so protected, so cherished and adored by me that you want for nothing? ….. Do you believe that I can love you better than a man?”  Ouch.

“I’m not sure, Lord.  I want to say Yes!  I mean, Yes, I BELIEVE IT, but do I experience that on a day to day basis?  No.  I guess I don’t.

I miss his voice.  I miss his presence.  I miss his touch.  I miss Jon.”

“Yes, you miss him because you loved him so very much.  But where the absence of his love has left a giant gaping hole in your heart and in your life, I will meet you there and I will fill that empty space more than he ever could.  Let me love you like that.”

When Jon and I signed our cards to each other, he often signed, “Your Jon,” and I signed mine, “Your Jenni.”  It was our thing.  It was the wink that said I’m all yours.  I trust you enough to be 100% yours in every way.  In his last anniversary card to me, before he signed his name, he said, “You were born to be mine.”  Now tell me, what woman doesn’t long to be loved like that?  Who doesn’t want to hear those words from their soulmate?  What a beautiful, passionate, romantic thing to say!   I mean, just look at these priceless words!

Last weekend I was at a conference for writers and speakers, and as I was attending a class, the presenter told a story about the song, “Blessed Assurance.”  At the end of the session as we were completing an assignment, she played the song over us.  “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine…”. I’ve heard and sung those words a thousand times, but on this day I was hearing them for the first time.  “Blessed assurance....Jesus is mine."  Jesus. Is. Mine.   In that moment, I got it!  I wanted to rip out a sheet of paper and write a love letter to Jesus right then and there, signing it, “Your Jenni.”  Because I knew, I KNEW what He was saying. “You were born to be mine.  Eternally, Your Jesus.”    

So the truth is y’all, I realized (and I’m praying I don’t get struck by lightening as I type this!) I have felt short changed, disillusioned, and let down this year.  Losing my husband to suicide was not in any of my thoughts, dreams or plans for my life.  Being a widow at age 46 did not calculate into any preconceived formula for my story.  I had enough faith to know God would see us through, that He would provide, that he would be my husband and a father to my children, but truthfully my expectations were pretty minimal.  It was as though I had exchanged a treasure chest filled with diamonds and rubies for a $20 bill.  I know!  It sounds horrible to say!  Have you ever known such a wicked person?  I treated Isaiah 54:5 not as a precious promise, but as my burden to bear.  I looked at others around me and thought, “Oh, sure…you get a REAL husband.  Not me.  I just get God.”  I said that to a friend yesterday and she nearly fell out of her chair laughing at the ridiculousness of it.  Truly!  That’s what I thought as I said it….how ridiculous!  Who would ever SAY that?  No one in their right mind.  But let’s be honest….have you felt it?  You might not say it out loud, but have you ever felt short changed by life, by relationships, even by God?  Have you been tempted to believe the lie that there is no way God could love you better?  

Let me tell you friend, you don’t have to wait as long as I did to figure this out!  You don’t have to be a widow to let God be your husband.  Whether you are single, blissfully married, barely married, divorced, widowed or anything else, God can be your husband now.  If you want to experience the best in this life and every relationship, love each other passionately and faithfully, yes!  Protect your marriage fiercely, absolutely!  But be sure to love God even more and protect your relationship with Him first.  

After all, you were born to be His.