The Fire

Lately I have not had as much trouble sleeping, but tonight my body decided to revisit that fun pattern of waking up every hour or so.   At 3:00 a.m. I was unable to go back to sleep, so I rolled out of bed, made a cup of tea and here I sit.   Of course I know what today is….I knew it yesterday, and the day before, and last month and the first of this month….I knew August 13th was coming.   And though today is our 11th anniversary, I’m not sitting here thinking about Jon……I’m thinking about my son Jordan.   I’m so proud of that young man!   He had a gig in New York City last night and all I can think of is how I wasn't there.    This is the kind of thing that would never have happened if Jon were still alive.   He would have made sure I was there, or more likely that we were all there.   He always figured out a way to make important family things happen, no matter what the financial situation.   “Don’t worry, babe.   I...

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning up one of my Facebook groups.   I was deleting old photos and videos when I ran across an image that caused me to stop dead in my tracks.  The date, April 11, 2017.   It was a live video of the training I was conducting the night I  received the phone call that Jon had taken his own life.   I knew the training had been recorded live, but I guess I assumed it had been deleted.  I had never once looked for it, so it caught me completely by surprise.   I sat behind my computer screen, staring in disbelief….actual recorded footage of the moment the tidal wave hit.   Of course I remember it, but SEEING it….I didn’t know if I could handle the impact.   I paused, staring longer at the screen, realizing if I clicked play that there would be no going back, the image would be seared in my brain forever.   It would be like watching the plane hit the World Trade Center on 9/11, or like standing on the sh...

This morning I sit at the end of my sofa, coffee in hand,   in the same place I sit every morning.   The artificial leather upholstery has finally given way to constant use and begun to peel away from the cushion.   Like so many other things in my life, I see the weathering, the age, the depreciation and it causes me to ponder.   The decomposition of “life as I knew it” has weathered me as well.   The days of clenched jaw, wrenched brow and hot tears have aged my face.   I see lines around my eyes and my mouth where there used to be smooth skin and I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror anymore.   What a contrast to the face of 11 years ago.   On August 1, 2007, a different person stared back at me eagerly anticipating the life changing event about to take place.   As she fixed her hair and put on her makeup, butterflies and nervous excitement brought a huge grin to her face, but on the inside she was calm and sure, never more certain...

God is moving.   This should not come as a surprise to me, but somehow it always does.   He is always moving, going before us, preparing the way, orchestrating events way ahead of time to answer the prayers that we have not yet prayed.   Do you realize that?   He is already working in ways you cannot see to answer the prayers you will pray next week, next month and next year.   His provision, His mercy, His peace, His comfort, His blessing, His favor…. It’s already there.   I am literally sitting here stunned, jaw dropped, eyes wide open, amazed at what the Lord is doing in the midst of unfathomable circumstances. Of course if it were up to me, I would rather have Jon here, rather not ever walk this road, but somehow I sit here grateful this morning……not that Jon took his own life, not that I am a widow, but that God has been faithful.   He has used the very thing Satan intended to be my demise to make me stronger, to bring me closer to Him. ...

I’m going to share with you a story.   It is terribly uncomfortable and a bit humiliating, but my complete honesty is necessary in what God is teaching me today.   I really don't want you to feel sorry for me at all .   The story is simply an avenue to what might bolster the faith in my heart and yours. In my lifetime, I have seen want and plenty.   I have been both spoiled with all kinds of material things and financial blessings,  and I have also known what it’s like to have to sell plasma to buy groceries.   I have never been afraid to work hard.   I have reaped financial benefits, had fine things, traveled well, been able to shop or eat at nice restaurants without thinking about the balance in my checking account .   And wow, you don't realize what a huge blessing that is until you are at the grocery store looking in your cart, deciding whether to put back the coffee or broccoli because you have exactly $46 in your bank account whic...